Abby Jane: Notes App Diaries Two

growing up in an ingredient home, painting walls, and researching is not for the weak

I grew up in an ingredient home. My parents cooked a lot and they cooked really well. We had snacks in our pantry, but not much of that really fun junk food type of stuff. I would go to Ellen’s house for those snacks. My brother and I learned to get creative with our snack making with ingredients from our pantry. Croutons dipped in ranch was a big one. Anything you can think of on a tortilla. Butter noodles, saltines and cheese, turkey string cheese roll ups, and golden syrup on bread. My grandparents would send us golden syrup from South Africa and let me tell you that stuff is amazing. All it is, is sugar. My dad loved it. He would put so much butter on his bread that you could see his teeth marks. He laughed about it too.

At this point, all of those unhealthy snacks would have been better than the amount of croutons and golden syrup we consumed. But it was exciting. It was special. I think I could start a restaurant with menu items from a pantry full of ingredients.

The reason I brought this up is because the other day I realized that I am still like this. If I’m hungry…and I don’t have time to get more groceries….and I don’t want to order anything, I will find anything I have that sounds good and put it on a tortilla. I swear if you cook it in the pan like a quesadilla, it will most likely amaze you.

Last week was kind of crazy. Actually this entire month has been a blur. Troy and I became homeowners! It all happened really fast. By fast, I mean that we weren’t even looking at homes yet and we somehow ended up looking at one randomly on a Sunday and 4 hours later we cried and put an offer in. I kind of knew this is how Troy and I would buy a home. I knew that it would have to be random and it would have to kind of fall into place because of our schedules being so insanely chaotic. We laughed about how chaotic we felt during the whole experience, but overall we both had so much peace about it right from the moment we saw the house. I have been having nightmares that everything goes wrong the first month we move in. Enneagram six brain energy.

Closing date was originally going to be on the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing and that also made me cry and feel super connected to the house. Like I have said here before, he was a custom home builder, so we shared those interests with each other. I have felt him so much in this process. It has made things harder for me emotionally, but also this feeling of connection to him is something I wouldn’t change with the reality of it all. The closing date ended up being moved to last Friday, which was helpful for our schedules, but the sentiment of this feeling so close to my dad has been a beautiful way to walk into October.

Our house has a lot of character. There is also a shed outside and I am excited to put all of my floral stuff in that shed. I think I will transform the shed and put an AC unit in it at some point.

Today we were walking through the back yard and noticed a small Christmas tree farm of 4-5 trees tucked in our back yard. I started screaming because it was so cute. Troy and I jumped up and down like kids about it. I am so excited to paint every wall and decorate every little tiny nook. I might have a garden in the back yard one day. Being a gardener is different than being a florist. I think most people assume I would be really good at gardening, but it really does take a different skill set. I don’t know if I have it, but there is really only one way to find that out.

I don’t like researching stuff. I like to try things based off of what I know so far and see if it works. That does not always work considering I don’t know everything yet. I typically learn the hard way from error or learn from what makes sense to me naturally. I think If I were more of a researcher, I would probably end up doing way too many projects for my own good. So, if anything, it balances me out. Keeps me humble. And ultimately sometimes it…is..better…not…to…know..everything. But anyways, I might go crazy and become a gardener. If everything dies and I fail, I will savor the one bloom that makes it and put it on my dining table and try it again the next year.

I started designing my house on Sims, just to get some inspiration going. You might be wondering, “Why don’t you just use a design software?” and I will tell you why. I have built homes on Sims since I was in middle school. It has been a hobby of mine that I have stayed loyal to over the years. Some things never change and I don’t want to research how to use AUTO CAD right now. Sims is stirring up a lot of ideas for me. Also, been spending majority of my time on Pinterest. How do you narrow down color ideas? Putting some of my inspiration in here. I am torn on a few of the rooms to be honest, but I know I want to make painting a priority. I will share more on this in the future, as I will probably be sharing the renovation process on social media for those who want to be invested.

I will admit this to you here. I get embarrassed sometimes sharing on social media. I don’t know why Substack feels like this safe place for me to be myself. Maybe because not everyone I know is on here. But also, I don’t think I would really care if they were? I mean this is the internet. Maybe it is because I can shamelessly write out my thoughts and share my creativity without it feeling like I am trying to ask for validation or attention. I mean I am always striving to be myself on Instagram, but it is always so highlight oriented. I also kind of love that about it though. I mean I have had some of the worst days of my life this year, yet I am sharing like a really cute floral arrangement, a pair of shoes I like, and a photo of me smiling my face off at an event or something. I don’t know, I am definitely not being fake about it, but sometimes it just feels weird lol. I guess the alternative is not as natural. I definitely have been taking space from it when I really am not up for it. I guess it is like Kacey Musgraves when she says “Happy and sad at the same time.” I think it is good to be vulnerable on the app, but I also think it is a place to scrapbook all of your sweet memories, ideas, updates, designs, work, friendships, etc. But, for me it is sometimes embarrassing to showcase my work and my life on instagram.

Something else I am torn between, since we are on the topic, is finding the best way to share my floral business, my music, and some light influencing on social media. I want to build my business and my brand as an artist in a way that inspires people through what I like and am interested in, but it feels weird to expect people to care. But, I love sharing what I am passionate about.

I think I want to learn Pro Tools (It is a music software used for producing music). I have been messing around with it a little and maybe that is a goal for me this year. I understand some of it from watching it and the occasional tracking my own vocals and what not, but I would love to know how to really dive in. There is always this voice in my head that says I can’t do it. Maybe that comes from not wanting to research things. But, also because it hasn’t been as normalized for women to learn how to produce. I know so many insanely talented females who produce their own music, but it isn’t as common. A guy says he knows how to produce and you’re like “obviously” and a female says it and it’s somehow it is shocking. So, I will get back to you on the progress with that.

Heading to the new house today to finish working on the floors. We ripped out carpet and underneath is a set of perfect wood floors that need sanded and touched up. People used to cover their homes with carpet. I had to get it out, because it isn’t fresh carpet and only God knows what’s happened on that carpet.

Can’t wait to share updates on the house. Today is the first day there has been somewhat of a crisp feeling in the air. I hope you feel encouraged today to learn something new or to do something that brings you some joy and peace.

If you got this far, here is a little treat.

I’ll be back,

Abby Jane