Paper Chains and Complicated Feelings

emotional support garlands

I thought I was going to “hold back” on decorating for the holidays this year. I think to prove something to myself in a weird way. Not sure why, but I have been feeling more reflective about who I was this time last year. For some reason, I felt a strange guilt for going so hard on decorating and celebrating. Part of me felt so out of it. Another part of me felt wrong for enjoying life when everything felt so unfair. To be honest, I felt mad at myself for not sitting longer in my pain. I probably needed to. I went back to work so fast. I jumped into events and relationships like I didn’t need the space. I did. A year into my loss, I know a little more about how I feel.

I felt insecure, wondering if maybe I was avoiding my feelings by focusing in on garland and meatball towers. Curating my environment!! Maybe I was. Maybe I was just doing my best. I am good at hiding behind a smile. I guess the alternative would have been to do nothing at all and that would have been enough too.

This year, I decided to stop overthinking everything and stop tearing myself apart for not grieving perfectly. I got crafty again. Paper all over the floor, paper cuts on my fingers, celebrating with friends, tears on my blanket, and Gilmore Girls on the TV. I’m glad I let myself be. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this kind of turmoil, I am sure you have. I don’t know if it makes sense, but it feels so real to me, especially this time of year.

This photo is from our party last year. I just went through all of the photos and found myself reminiscing on how beautiful that night was. I don’t know that girl smiling. Looking back, I didn’t feel very proud of it. I felt guilty. I felt connected and removed from it all at the same time. But even then, I don’t want to regret it. It is just a party, it’s not really a big deal. But, it is a deeper rooted thing for me. It is the feeling of wanting to be connected to my real emotions. It is wanting to be honest, but not be rejected for struggling. It is the turmoil of not knowing what to do with my grief.

I needed to do something intentional. And maybe I needed to rest and not lift a finger. Looking back, I didn't know what I needed. Either way, I’ll never know the right answer and I don’t think you have to.

Looking at these photos now takes me to an interesting place, but it also makes me so proud. It reminds me how mixed the holiday season can be for so many people, and how beautiful you can still make it. I think it helps to say, you don’t have to do any of it either.

So this year, I went crazy on the corner of our dining room and that has become my favorite part of our house. We found this vintage French blue hutch at GasLamp Antiques in Nashville. I love it. I thought it would be a nice touch for trinkets and a small bar when we host.

I had a vision for this hutch to be the “mantle” instead of our TV console. I added these paper hearts onto some string to make a garland. Troy, my brother, and I made chromed out paper houses with milk cartons and spray paint. I added our stockings to the hutch as a final touch. The grid stockings are by Ford Textile and the vintage golf stocking is from GasLamp Antiques.

One idea I had was to cut my Sézane gift bags from an event I attended. They gifted us these huge gift bags from their Antionette Poisson collab. I loved the design of the bags and wanted to wrap my own gifts this year, so I cut the gift bags into sections and made a long paper chain for our entryway. I love that I can reuse it next year.

I bought these East End Press paper chains at a local bakery in Nashville and had some inspo saved from Pinterest for silver pipe cleaner paper chains. This really made our tree sparkle and I loved alternating the different crafts across the tree.

For gift wrapping, I went with this wrapping paper I snagged like 5 months ago at Ikea. We walked through on our drive back to Nashville from Oklahoma. The only thing I felt drawn to was two rolls of wrapping paper lol. I paired it with brown and baby blue gingham ribbon and made my own tinfoil star cut outs for gift tags. I am stenciling names in the center.

I love cutting down a real tree. My tree needs to feel chunky and tall. It needs to be the equivalent of a chunky baby with rolls.

My favorite ornaments are usually crafted ornaments. I found these paper mache stars at an antique store. They were on sale and such a steal. I also found the blue toile ornaments as well. I wanted to make them this year, but loved sourcing them instead.

December has consisted of soups, events almost every night, reading through gift guides ;) (Sue me, I love them) and wrapping up work for the end of the year. I am looking forward to a slow start to the year in January, more on that and 2025 reflections maybe coming soon.

Thought I would close by sharing some photos from our Holiday party last year. Some of my favorite moments from this evening was the fondue pot, the tiramisu train I made with powdered sugar and raspberries, and the olives in my DIY candelabra. This night with friends was special and I will remember for years to come.

Like I said above, the holidays can feel really difficult for most. For many it is such a big time to hold so many different emotions all at once. It can feel lonely, exciting, numbing, tiring, special, sad, confusing, isolating, light, nostalgic, happy, and really painful. For a lot, it is even just the feeling of “what you thought you’d have by now.”

I’m feeling encouraged to take whatever emotions come my way and let them be. I am encouraged to be a place for people to come when they need to say words they are afraid might get lost. Also, to put my time and energy into what I am grateful for, the people in my life. I hope your holiday plans can be what you’re needing this year.

Adding one of my favorite Christmas songs, River by Joni Mitchell. She explains the feelings so well.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Love,
Abby Jane